My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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