pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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