here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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