take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
