Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
