I puked a lego.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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