I want to have your abortion
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
