party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Send help, water and tortillas.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
