Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
