Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
