I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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