My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
