u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize