this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
