I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
