Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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