My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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