My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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