Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
