Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
