I just made out with a guy for $7.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
