so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you will always have a special place in my vag
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
