Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
