I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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