I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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