my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
how does that bad decision feel?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
