You made me cry and you don't even care
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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