I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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