And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize