Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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