Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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