I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize
