Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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