She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
