i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
