I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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