I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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