Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
