and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
