I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
