I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
