Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
