Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
