Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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