Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
