I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
where are my eyebrows?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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