I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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