I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
