So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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