just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
