Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
