im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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