Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
They have beer where we have blood.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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