So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We need to get me chipped asap
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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