So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
