Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
